when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
