Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I want a musical about memes.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I forget how to act sober
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
