This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
