everyone is single if you try hard enough
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
