Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
