im drinking this country out of the recession.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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