Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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