textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
