I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
