i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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