I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
