he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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