Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
