omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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