She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
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The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
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Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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