Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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