Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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