Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
