I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
