I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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