And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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