my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
