so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
