Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
