i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
