I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
im holly from the hills drunk
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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