Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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