Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Oh god it's open bar.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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