how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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