Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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