Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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