You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
