Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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