Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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