Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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