i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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