I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
