dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
