First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No I am not eating basil off your cock
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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