saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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