dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
