i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
