How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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