And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dick very happy bro
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
