Your mouth is God's brothel.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
