i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
