nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
