Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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