party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
