You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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