i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
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