i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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