He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
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my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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