I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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