Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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