fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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